i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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