I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
