tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
