Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Randomize
