omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.