we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
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new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
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If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.