i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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