So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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