you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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