just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize