Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
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This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
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I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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