I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She bit a glass in half.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
