we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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