You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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