I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
