there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
