i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
