I heard we made out
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
