You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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