Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
