Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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