I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
