Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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