What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
