can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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