I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
