Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
