My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
