found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
