I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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