If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
