If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
