Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
