I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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