I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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