See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
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It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We were destined to go to rehab together
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
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We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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