We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
