Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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