Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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