He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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