dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
