Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
