my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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