I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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