Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
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The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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