textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.