so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
