I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
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suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
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Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.