Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
