apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
