nut hugger
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
