im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
