those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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