I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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