I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
