I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If that was your dad, he is hot
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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