if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Jerry, you need to find god
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
