just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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