how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
