Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I need to sanitize my soul.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
