i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
