you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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