1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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